walking away...

for so many years i can't count i have been trying to get my dad to move out here to california. last year he finally got tired of the snow and caved in...sold a little bit of land and we started house hunting. last february we thought we found "the one", put an offer, but lost it...booo-hoo.
i lagged hunting most of last year except for a few auctions with no success...till last week, dad jump started me (it was -2 degrees back in ny that day) and i checked out a few places our agent sent. they were mostly bombs (as ususal) but one had potential...after another visit i decide it would work, and with butterflies in my stomach put in an offer on a place so far out on avenue J that i thought i was going to be in canada! ok, so it's only 30 minutes from work at the church but the drive is miles and miles of nothing. there is a small "town center" only 15 minutes away...littlerock.
so i should be excited right? not. i told vic my roomate of 23 years what was up, he did not take it well. he knows i've been taking about house hunting but he also knows smiths do a lot of daydream talking. he wasn't mad, but upset as he just got to like living at the ranch...but so have i. lancaster is too far away from the san fernando valley for him, it might as well be canada! everything/one he knows is in santa clarita or san fernando where as i've come to make antelope valley my go to area. so... he will not be moving with me and probably look for a room or apartment he can afford on his limited income (aren't we all in that space).
i couldn't sleep last night and on my walk with the dogs this morning i kept thinking how much i was going to miss the mountains. i think i make a better mountain man than desert rat. and walking thru the house i kept thinking who knows what is who's? after 23 years all our stuff has become just "home". i kept thinking how comfortable i am surrounded by all the funky stuff vic collects, and how much we like bringing home little treasures for each other, and how much we lean on each other...
who knows if the offer will go thru (we are on a small, small budget or we'd buy closer to the ranch) but one thing i know any excitement i have will be tarnished with sadness as i walk away from the ranch...our home.

Nellie DiMar

last friday was the 10 year anniversary of my mom's death. i guess that was why my head was a little bit in the clouds, but it was also the first day of our weekly friday night prayer service so it made for a good day of reflection...

i am an admitted quilt addict. it's because of some very important women in my life that i grew into the world of quilting. it was my great-grandma hoyt that was the quilter from my past. i can still see some of the quilts in my mind and remember her pointing to the different fabrics, telling us who's dress or shirt they had come from. i remember sitting around her talking about the past while she stitched all the pieces together by hand. in later years (before her health went) her "crazy quilt" patterns turnned to tiny triangles sewn together in colorful pannels. When i graduated high school i recieved one of these quilts and a (short lived) tradition began as she made one for each great-grandchild as they graduated. Alzheimer's soon took these skills from her and gradually she had to put the sewing aside as her life faded away from us.

her daughter grandma jenks (margie) did quilt triangle quilts with her and i do have a pilow stashed away from her and everytime she visited me out west i had found another hole in my grandma hoyt quilt for her to repair. she was a mender in my mind because she was always fixing holes in my jeans (even when i thought they were cool). on her last visit to see me in california to give her a "project" i had her mend an old throw pillow for me. it was a funky fabric and she wasn't happy with the final alook, but i sleep every night with that pillow in my bed. although i know she did sew here and there it was her homemade chocholate cookies that always cross my mind with her and i haven't had the urge to bake after cancer took her from us.

her daughter diana was my mom. i remember the funky turqoise suit jacket she made me for the all county chorus concert i was in like it was yesterday. she was the alteration queen in my mind and i know she loved making her fabric dolls. it must be her sewing skills that passed oto my sister kj, because i've been amazed at the wedding gowns she has altered and more so the whole wedding party of rennisance cloths she made for my brother dave's wedding! i wish i was closer to my mom over the years but my dad was my buddy yet one of the last gifts she gave me was a knit ski cap with a tossle on top...i still wear it every winter (with my poorly done patches) and always will.

so... years later i decided to restart grandma hoyts tradition and began quilting for my niece and nephews, little did i know it would consume me, but not only do i find it relaxing and enjoyable but it gives me a chance to think about three women in my life that have touched me with love...and i miss them all...

how many goats are too many?!

so how many goats are too many? i'm usually lucky enough to never have to answer vic with that question, i can usually just tell him how great his pond is looking or how big his trees are getting, he's got several fruit trees started from seeds...i think he'll plant just about anything now. hard to believe when we started living together all he had was one plastic plant!...side tracking...doe dee lost her baby this summer, i think he was a little preemie...i thought boo was pregnant but she lost it or wasn't...annie pulled thru with triplets! if you are counting that makes 13.

the girls were all in season a few weeks ago and duke and the "brothers gruff" were making me nuts! we'll see if i get spring babies, either way i'm afraid i gotta do some thinning out. duke was so bad i was about ready to haul him off, but he's my buddy (see my facebooks pics). he does need to get nutered if he stays anyway...he ain't exactly got genes i wanna pass on, i mean he's stocky and plain brown...no offense to any of my stocky friends. davey and daniel are taller and more interesting. dan looks more like a boer goat and i would love to get him and boo together to breed more meat goats to sell (yes i could). davey is just has a great classic goat look, beard, nice even, slant-back horns...and is such a poser!

annie had two boys and a girl; patch, alberto and bitsie. berto and bitsi are so small, i'm sure they will stay small like cha cha and lou loo did (annie's last girls). the hard part is that there are two more boys! i'm trying not to get too attached to patch, but berto is way too cute...he looks like our dog april, who is the herd keeper. toby is my barn buddy and junior is in charge of parameter security (coyote control). i'd like to keep berto to breed on the smaller goats for my pygmy herd which leaves davey or dan safe...

...so how many is too many?...hey nice plants you got growing there!

broken but on the mend

i'm broken like a promise, shattered like a dream
broken, with all my pieces, scattered for you to see

i'm down on my knees, i hope i can stick this out
i'm begging you please...i'm sorry that i let you down

it's so hard to speak, i can barely look you in the eye
it's so hard to breath...but i know i ain't afraid to die

the world can really come down on you...especially when you think you're already at the bottom. it feels like things are coming from every side so fast that you can't possibly outrun anything. before you know it you are laid out in the open, helpless and open for the world to rip apart.

how easy to slip away and get gobbled up, how easy to just give up. funny thing about family is that they won't let you. they can reach across thousands of miles and pick you up. they don't have to be blood yet have the heart to reach out and take your hand, pulling you back to safety.

i heard today that joy only comes to you with sorrow. like a ying-n-yang thing it's the downs that even let you know there is an up. the challenges of just getting thru the day that give you hope, the hardships in life that give you the strength to keep going and a seed for you to dream.

thanks to my family...real, fake, blood and spiritual for getting me over this bump in the road.

split in the road

again the road splits before me
and again i must now decide

there is no road less taken
and there is no glimpse ahead

right is the way i was heading
and right seems to be the same

left is veering away from here
and left seems to be unsure

where is my life taking me
and where do i want to take my life

surely i should take time to ponder
and surely i'd make the right choice

time will not wait for me however
and time is pushing me ahead

so without hesitating i walk on
and so fate will lead me again

after the rain

vic drove chantal to school this morning on his way downtown to help "PAWS-LA" move, it was cool and cloudy but no rain. the wind crancked last night but we really didn't end up getting lots of rain. the cover of our sun canopy was pretty shredded and scattered all over the front yard...at least summer is over.

finished chores early and decided to take the boys for a ride. jr was pouting by the car all morning so i didn't have much choice. i was going to go into town but just decided to take them down to the "y" and back. that still ends up being over a four mile run for him.

now i know the car driver window has been acting up but i opened it anyway...fool. when i got back to the house i tried messing with the stupid control but only ended up getting the driver back window to stop working at all. it was getting late so i gave up and taped plastic over the window cause it was raining down in the valley and i was working in glendale today...so getto.

picked up the shredded canopy, got ready for work and headed out. so the plastic window worked pretty good down to the road and about the first 5 miles on the freeway before it blew off...which was better anyway cause the noise was making me crazy. did i mention the car battery was low too this morning and i almost thought it wasn't gonna start...and i got to work in the glendale store, yahoo what a cruddy morning!

the day did get better i had a sewing machine class was with two nice ladies and i sold a machine...and the ride home wasn't too cold. when i got home vic was in bed and chantal was asleep so i grabbed some leftovers, watched "heroes" and "top chef" and came out to room. i guess i should get to bed so that's it.

till later...

rainy day on the mountain

i guess i should be tired, i was earlier but my second wind kicked in and i guess i'm up till bedtime. woke up in the denny's parking lot off and on all night till it was really seeming to be too chilly. it was 4am so i decided the old jeep had enough rest and i would head home. it wasn't too bad, i took it easy and the transmission only gave me slight problems. i was most worried about hitting the 15 and coming up the cajon pass but i eased up the hill slowly and it went fine.

got home just after 7am and would have loved a nap but our conference call for work is at 8, so i just laid down and played with the cat and dog. of course it was a long call and i think i dozed off at the end, but we get printed notes so i'll get caught up when i go in to work tomorrow.

the jeep is still under warranty so after i did chores, i headed to the shop in the valley. i try to buy local for the most part but we still keep our mechanic fron the valley days because he knows us, we trust him...and he lets me make payments! the tranny guy is another guy, but it's a buddy of his, so... dropped her off just before 11am and chantal came from school and picked me up a little befor noon. on the way home we talked about chris and derek's visit, my night of "fun", her film shoot last night and how we can get her mom to move out here.

when i got home i thought i would take a nap but we got on line checking out some friends facebook sites (just search for "goat dude" to find me) and i started some computer work before i remembered i really wanted to get some barn work done. it was poring rain in the valley and canyon country but just starting here when i headed out. i love when it rains here, the dust washes off everything at the colors seem to pop!...so i went out to the barn, the wind was pretty cold so i decide to start with a little winterizing and covered up the east side windows and vents. of course trying to do anything when duke wants his head scratched every five minutes is hard but i did get something done. inside i got about six coops cleaned before my friend sandy called. she got promoted to palmdale manager...i wanted the job, and was offered it, but she's closer and needs the full time, so "se la vie". better things are around the corner for me anyway. after the chatting and more duke head scratching i decided i'd had enough and decided to come in and finish my computer work...now blogging isn't really what i'm supposed to be working on but rainy days are for goofin' off anyway!

till later...